Gottman Method for Relationship Counseling
The Gottman Method: “A researched approach to relationships.”
What was the first Disney movie you watched as a child? Were you captivated by the magic of a couple as they danced just as the credits started to roll? Or maybe you just finished the latest Nicholas Sparks book and are still mesmerized by the closing scene of a couple riding horseback into the sunset?
Our gut may tell us that these scenarios are fictitious, yet somehow, we still find ourselves longing for this effortless and amorous kind of couples relationship.
If your day to day feels more like the rainy days of The Nicholas Sparks book, it can be hard to communicate with your partner and maintain a sense of fulfillment. Whether your partner has recently hurt you, perpetual problems seem to drown every conversation, or the mundane tasks of everyday life have contributed to disengagement, The Gottman Method is here to assist!
Gottman Method and Couples Therapy
What is The Gottman Method and how does it differ from other couples therapy? Well, I’m glad that you asked!
First, you should meet the husband and wife duo, Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Allow me to introduce them to you. The Gottmans are a world-renowned pair that combined their love for psychology and mathematics to bring couples’ “The Gottman Institute.” If science and psychology had a baby, it would be ‘The Gottman Institute.’ It’s a beautiful thing when we can see a therapy model works based on the outcomes. In this case, relationships are being repaired. Intimacy is being increased. The sting of conflicts is lessened. People are experiencing more satisfaction and connection with the Gottman Method for couples therapy.
Dr. Julia Gottman
Dr. Julia Gottman is a highly respected clinical psychologist that co-wrote several books and other publications. While she is considered an expert in her field and is recognized globally, she also still works in private practice as a therapist with couples in Seattle, Washington.
Dr. John Gottman
Before becoming a love guru, Dr. John Gottman studied and worked in mathematics. Throughout his insight and longitudinal studies, Dr. John Gottman could predict which couples would get a divorce or not within 90% accuracy (overview–research, 2019). As a result, The Gottman Method is an effective researched approach to relationships.
Gottman Method and Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method is supported by research and is proven to be effective.
I know that this is the part that you want to quickly scroll past, but hear me out. You, your partner, and your relationship are worth the investment of couples therapy. However, spending the time to go to therapy without much confidence that you will get your desired outcome can be super frustrating. Your investment of time and finances should be spent on a researched proven methodology that you (and the rest of the world) are confident in.
An independent study of 16 couples was conducted as the experimental group that received ten 45 minute Gottman Couple therapy sessions. The results of the study showed “a significant difference existed between adjustment and intimacy of couples in the treatment and control groups in the pretest-posttest” (Davoodvandi, Navabi Nejad, & Farzad, 2018, p. 137). Below you will find a link to the overview of research relating to the institute.
Overview - Research | The Gottman Institute
2. Unlike other modalities or couples therapies, The Gottman Method provides real-life and tangible exercises.
The Gottman Method goes beyond the walls of the therapy office as it provides exercises to be applied in the mundane daily grind of life. This is where the magic happens. I will provide an example!
The Gottman Method’s first and most fundamental level of ‘The Sound Relationship House’ theory is to ‘Build Love Maps’ or in other words, get to know your partner’s World. Sounds simple, right? Well, it is! However, it is as important as it is simple. While this concept may sound basic, it is structurally critical to building the rest of ‘The Sound Relationship House’. ‘Building Love Maps’ allows a couple to deepen and strengthen their shared admiration and fondness for one another.
The building blocks of this concept is paramount because when a conflict does arise, it allows us to see our partner as a struggling friend rather than our enemy. So, next time that you see your partner, ask:
What was the best cup of coffee you ever had?
What would your ‘walk out’ song be if you were a professional athlete?
What events do you have coming up this month that you are looking forward to?
In return, offer insights to your World too! Tell your partner about your most recent project you had at work or describe your ideas for the next family vacation. If this feels awkward or you do not even know where to begin, you can download the ‘Gottman Card Decks’ app for free on your phone. Try it out with your partner or even get the whole family involved.
Go ahead and try it out. Creating sheared fondness will create an endless reservoir that you can ‘pull from’ so the next negative comment that your partner has, the sting is lessened; you know that they are coming from a place of love.
Emotional distance and disengagement is one of the greatest predictors for divorce. While most people believe that divorce occurs from fighting and arguing, it is actually a lack of interest or joy that robs people of their marriage more often. 80% of divorcing couples reported gradually growing apart and living parallel lives, while only 40% of divorcing couples reported intense fighting and arguing (Kift, 2024).
Once the foundation of a strong ‘Love Map’ is established, couples are encouraged and able to build the continuing levels of ‘The Sound Relationship House.’ Additional layers consist of turning toward instead of away, managing conflicts, and creating shared meanings. Each level provides several tangible interventions to create more positive and meaningful relationships.
3. The Gottman Method involves many approaches to couples therapy!
The Gottman Method is diverse and meets you where you are at as it includes several approaches like affective couple therapy, narrative therapy, existentially-couple therapy, and even more! Let’s break that down:
Affective Couple Therapy: Affect means the expression of emotions or mood that one feels. Affective couple therapy focuses on dysfunctional interactional patterns that couples may be stuck in. (Humans are creatures of habit. Ever notice that you sit in the same seat in the meeting room at work or claim the same spot in your gym class? We love when our Worlds are predictable so we follow the same feelings and patterns even if they are unhelpful. There is comfortability in known patterns.) The Gottman Method seeks to break the cycle or pattern of negativity flooding relationships. Building a positive effect in a relationship aims to work at building trust and improving communication by addressing emotions.
Narrative Therapy: Narrative therapy allows partners to hear stories and past experiences of their partner’s history, memories, and events that shaped their life stories. As humans we inadvertently bring our past selves into our present relationships (whether we realize it or not). In exchange for storytelling, partners can better understand the unique perspective of their counterpart.
Existentially-Based Couple Therapy: This approach focuses on self-awareness and communication styles. This methodology is extremely beneficial when a couple is in a gridlock. Gridlock conversations are those conversations that keep resurfacing, but you make no headway. Oftentimes, this leads to feelings of rejection and the thought of “why do I even bother bringing it up?”.
Since The Gottman Method takes a holistic approach, trained Gottman therapists can tailor interventions and conversations to be just as unique as the couple it's serving! We can celebrate how every individual and relationship is incredibly unique. The Gottman Method considers all these factors and tailors interventions as needed–there is not an angle that The Gottman Method hasn’t considered. So whether your trust has been shattered, compromise is non-existent, or you become too angry to hold a conversation, The Gottman Method is here to serve.
Gottman (1994) reports that the average couple waits six years too long to get professional therapeutic help for marital problems. If any part of this resonates with you, The Gottman Method may be of service and it may be beneficial for you and your partner to not wait any longer.
So ‘saddle up’ and while it will take vulnerability and compromise, The Gottman Method provides fundamental tools for you and your partner to ‘get back on the horse’ in hopes to experience a sunset together.
If you are interested in exploring the Gottman Method for couples counseling, please reach out to Integrate Therapy & Wellness today!
References
Davoodvandi, M., Navabi Nejad, S., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples' Intimacy. Iranian journal of psychiatry, 13(2), 135–141.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.
Kift, L. (2017). In relationships, not arguing means you’re not communicating. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/relationships-not-arguing-means-youre-not-communicating/
Overview - research. The Gottman Institute. (2019, August 26). https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
